By Zethu Zwane
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Can some friendships lower your confidence? That’s a question I asked myself while sitting with a friend. Before your first intimate relationship, family and friends contribute greatly to your confidence. That’s why it’s so important to surround yourself with enriching people. However, surrounding yourself with people who boost your confidence is easier said than done.
Especially when you aleady have low self worth. Being around toxic poeple will be harder to identify because low confidence leads to people pleasing. In the first series on Friendships, I said people pleasers give away their talent, relationships and items like a grocery story item; its open to everyone.
People pleasers or people with low-self worth yearn to being acceptanced. This will greatly affect their relationships. Thhave someone see you as who you are leads to pleasing people. That means instead of picking up manipulative behavior from friends, you’re more likely to accept them.
So here’s some reassurance; it’s not you that’s the problem; it’s your toxic friends. Continue reading for some tips on how ientify abusive people. Learn how to identify how they manipulate you by mixing abusive words within a compliment.
By comaflaging their true words, toxic friends keep you caged in a mindset that makes you believe they’re for you. This was a longterm friend who I realized had abusive me verbally for years.
Toxic Friends Have an Art for Gaslighting Your Low Worth with Compliments
It hit me like an ephifany while socializing with new friends. I had one friend who had gotten used to belittling me without me even knowig it it hearing it. She had gotten used to being superior to me that it was the norm.
While at dinner, she looked at my food choice and asked me why I’m so basic. Really how is salmon basic I first thought. The night went on like that. Our entire relationship was founded on gaslighting my every choice. Toxic friends are talented at taking uour low worth and manipulating it because deep down they can see you won’t speak up.
Our friendship continued like this until I found 15 of the best friends you could ever have. You didn’t need to be someone or something to be accepted and loved. Okay maybe stay up till 10a.m. during the holidays, but that’s just about it. They were accommodating and we came from all kinds of backgrounds.
Toxic People will Always Make You Feel Less than Them never Equal
Comparing these 2 worlds of friends opened my eyes to how people are suppose to treat you. Suddenly I started picking up how she twisted words mixing insults into compliments. It’s that very moment I saw I wasn’t the problem, but my self-worth was suffering as a result. The next day when she lied about the dress code. I was wearing jeans and she was in a dress. I didn’t pick up the difference until we got to the entrance.
She turned to me in anger and yelled “cover up and how embarrassing”. That’s when I went back into my life with her. We’d always been like this; superior versus me. Toxic people are never happy when you are equal to them. If you suffer from people pleasing or making excuses for your friend, you need to watch out for this.
The best solution for people pleasers is do what God did for me. I struggle so much with people pleasing, that I would pray my friend would change instead of removing them. So God removed them. Your Saviour knows how toxic people will limit your growth.
Toxic people depend on stunting yor confidence, so they always feel superior. This is in opposition to what God wants for all of us. And truthfully I wasn’t happy about it because Iet 15 of the greatest people who highlighted how unequal our relationship was. It needed to change starting by removing this person from my life.
Verbally Abusive Friends are Just That Verbally abusive
You will need to remove people who put you at a lower position than them. Before you even date, your friends teach you how to love and be loved. That means learning how to identify verbally abusive friends will help you create boundaries with verbally abusive intimate relationships.
Verbally abusive friends know you better than you do, so they know how to compliment you enough to have you believing they’re good. Emotionally abusive friends are hard to detect and they are the hardest to let go. That’s because they are very manipulative.
Briefly I’ve come to learn such people come from manipulative homes. Their whole world consists of malicious comments and manipulative behavior. No that’s not a green light to keep them. Knowing this will help you find forgiveness from people who hurt you again and again. However, true breakthrough comes from leaving such people.
It’s not your job to fix or heal your friend. And if you’re believing seeing you will make them change, stop. Verbally abusive friends need people with low self-worth in order to feel superior. That means you’re hurting their change and yours!
While your confidence decreases around them, they continue to become abusive and malicious. Think of all the bad people you’ve met who uou prayed would have changed. Maybe a bad boss, oppressive teamleader or parent. They all needed to change, but yoy staying will brinobly harm.
Examples of How Verbally Abusive Friends Relate to You through Abuse
The following is examples of How Verbally abusive friends distort a compliment to keep you around. They know how to use words to abusive making it hard to detect because they compliment your weaknesses. They’ll say; “your body is amazing. Not like my body, but your body is great.” For someone with low confidence, it’s hard to focus on the standard. What they just said is your body is less beautiful than mine.
Another example of how toxic friends comaflouage abusive words is seen on how they see your life compared to theirs. They’ll reply to “Oh you’re successful, but not compared to me, but good.” Essentially they’re saying you’re not as successful as me. Finally they’ll respond to youth, “Oh but you’ve got good grades, even though you won’t end up like me.”
Your boyfriend is great, even when he has a basic character. These compliments are comaflaged around your weaknesses. And if you suffer from low self-worth hearing these compliments is like finding gold. If you have low self-esteem, you won’t be able to hear the insult. Even if you do, it’s rare that people pleasers blame the person. They’ll find fault within them.
Creating Ways to identify Abusive Talk from bad Friends
Feeling like you’ve found Gold will leave you settling for a friend with abstract compliments. Unfortunately when someone keeps saying; “Oh that dress is good for you, but not me,” it creates space for settling. Without even knowing it, this friends is TELLING you what you deserve in life.
Manipulative discretely damage your confidence over time. Without knowing it, you’ll start treating yourself the same way she treats you. Even if a dress looks good on you, but it reminds you of her, you’ll leave it. You’ve been told that something that looks best on her will not look the same on you.
Abusive friend’s words will overtime limit your beliefs. You’ll start second guessing the college opportunities or business grants you deserve. Tjese words become strongholds making you question the type of job you deserve.
Fight this through the power of prayer, Bible reading, finding a Godly community and seeking counseling. Your Life and self-esteem deserves your fight. So fight to be transformed and not according to broken human beliefs. It’s not an ordinary fight, but a covering yourself with love. God’s Love is ghe only source of redeeming your confidence.
First best advice you’ll ever find is remove these bad friends. They seek heartbreak, and they love pain. Yes in part they are chained to their own experiences, so they really believe they are good for you. But that’s exactly the issue; they believe an unequal relationship is healthy.
Building a Community that Supports Your Confidence
Second best advice you’ll ever take is stop seeking validation from people. The only way to break free from these abusive patterns is reading the Bible and going for counseling. Trust and believe God will heal all your weaknesses, but you have to put in the work.
Your life is worth fsr more than keeping bad friends. Putting in the work means rewriting what people say and what you accept. If your friends constantly attack your body, Bible journal top Bible tips for body confidence. Speak up about this in counseling first. If you need to learn to trust people again, use counseling and a Godly community as your pathway to healing.
Seek counseling from a registered company to assist you break free from such words. This is the most tremendous decision because abusive people can make you resentful or unforgiving. Yet forgiveness, healing, renewal and growth are the keys to your stronger self.
Reason being you’ve lived that world. How can you act in humility when all you know is how to put someone down. You’ll put people down when you don’t give these moments to God. The 3rd best thing to do for your life is finding a Godly community. I know very well the anxiety that comes with leaving abusive people.
So be kind to yourself. Ask to do active activities that limit talking if you suffer anxiety. But be prepared to challenge yourself to connect with people again. You deserve the best in life, so don’t let a season or 18 years of a bad friendships decide for you. Isn’t that what your friend used to do? Put an end to it now.
The Most Transformative Life Decision You’ll Make is Seeking Christ
God is so good. Folloqig 18 years of bad relationships bad crowds and other encounters, I was left anxious around people. Yet there was something I wanted from God and couldn’t get it. I first thought doing a fast and prayer after praying for this opportunity for a year would give me what I wanted. Yet God gave more than I thought of asking.
During The fast, God broke chains of anxiety, chains of depression, loneliness and isolation. I became so full of joy that I couldn’t breath from happiness. Ironically for the past 18 years, I couldn’t breath from loneliness. There’s certain times when uou need God to be your Jehovah Nissi, and like Jesis who came to heal you of all spiritual, emotional and mental harm, God will do this for you now.
With God almighty your self struggles will not be yours alone. He will be with you cleansing you, loving you and saving you. He will protect you from these feelings of lack. All you have have do anything banner around the God od salvation in prayer. You don’t have to know how abuse influenced you, but still pray. God will reveal it, so you know and see how He’s healed you.
Knowing God is Love Changes everything
There is no one like God. With His resurrecting power, all things are possible including your healing. All things are corrected even the friends you’ll make after abuse. There truly is a fulfilling life after abusive friendships. All you to do is pray. Don’t let the heartbreak of bad friends stop you from praying for better friends.
If you’re not sure whether you’re surrounded by abusive friends, pray on it. Find a Godly Community. A Godly Community will compliment you without reason. There’s no condition to your beauty. There’s no condition for your intelligence. There’s no condition for you to be happy.
Use the Godly community as a way to test your social groups. And please befriend people who are not like you. If you enter church and find people who mirror your world, you might fail. They struggle like you, so find someone who has empowering qualities. This will inspire you to grow even when it feels difficult.
Learning to Love imperfect Unconditionally from Church
Sad reality is judgemental friends can make you judgemental. Abusive people pretend their perfection, and you can’t reach their perfection. This results in you havinf skewed standards. The patterns of how someone is judged is different in the church.
However, it doesn’t prevent the fact that church people are still growing and healing like you. There is no such thing as a perfect Godly community. Inevitably use this truth to step outside of your norms. Meet up with people with a Hobbie similar to yours, but come from different worlds.
Talk to Godly people who have different ideas from you. Although my 15 friends weren’t from a Godly community, they exposed my eyes and ears to 18 years of abuse.
I’m still recovering from people pleasing, a Godly community showd me that people can accept for absolutely nothing. I didn’t have to be strong. I didn’t need to be the strongest. This empowered me and gave me confidence.
Learning to be at Peace with Imperfection Teaches You Unconditional Love
For the first time I could try a dresses not based on a condition of what I deserve, but what God Calls me. This is the results you’ll see in your life when you live for God and not people.
You’ll do projects, accept jobs and relationships based on Godly standards. These standards show the more you learn how to love God and accept His love, the better you’ll love people.
Your healing deserves that. To be loved unconditionally by imperfect people seeking Christ. Godly communities teach you that as a Chold of God, you should be the only ones who live boldly.
Unlike rich people who think money is the reason they can skip the line, Godly people have a Humble confidence. It comes from a knowing that any plan God establishes its a success.
Any relationship intimate or friendship that God establishes is a success. It will need work because no one is Perfect. Yet it’s far more satisfying to to go through difficulties. When you know you’re experiencing trials with someone you love and accepts you, you’re empowered . That’s because they show you that you’re worth fighting for, so you’re inspired to do the same. Any work opportunity that God provides is a success.
It’s Okay to Grief Loosing a Fake Friends
On the other hand, you will grieve the loss of a bad friend. It’s okay to feel disappointed because you’re mourning an idea. Friendships are exciting new beginnings. Like a first date, you’re filled with hope of good experiences.
New friendships are a chapter of bonding, laughter and endless good memories. That’s what we all hope for. So when the person disappoints, grieving is expected. However allow God to removed these friends because He needs to prepare for your calling. Callings vary just like your life purpose.
So you need your confident self to come through. Your calling needs you. Today needs your God-empowered self to take center stage. Your Strength in Chris begins by anchoring in who He is. This will reshape your life story. And as a child of God, confidence is yours. An overflowing joy is yours. Peace is yours.
Godly Friends Keep Your Confidence Anchored in Christ
A toxic friend is like a poison to yor confidence. But a Godly friend is a sweet reminder of all the great things God provides. More so, healing and growth will propell your self image, so you feel worthy regardless of where you are in life.
Believing God will do the impossible like save you, means you should be walking in confidence. Keep Godly friends who boost your self esteem and live a life of Breakthroughs right here with Black Couture Health and Wellness.
Finally make prayer a lifestyle. Rebuilding your confidence is possible through Christ. And to receive an unshakeable confidence tales time. It may be your life long journey; However imagine how powerful you are when bad friends are removed from your life. And a life of prayer and Breakthroughs.
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