By Zethu Zwane
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There’s several reasons how you can become a people pleasers. People pleasing is not always a positive thing; a competative employee can be a people pleaser trying to get the attention of the boss. Similarly a shy employee is a people pleaser by doing everyone’s work.
Yet you could have learned this behavior long before your first job. Your cultural beliefs and norms can encourage it. Your friendship group can also endorse it by the frequent messages you hear that become memorable messages.
Frequently hearing a certain idea or message becomes your identity. And if you’re always hearing rejection from people, wanting to please is one way you’ll change. That’s also a reason why befriending competative and resentful people leads leads unforgivessness and competation.
However your life and personal identity matters, so here’s wellness advice on why Godly friends will people pleasers find peace in their true nature. Godly friends stop you living for people, so you find freedom in living for God.
We’ve All been There Before
Experiencing rejection, abandonment and misunderstanding can lead to people pleasing. That’s because you might end up wanting to explain yourself following such encounters. It also leads to competition as a result of a yearning to be seen. Sometimes it feels as the world’s increases to over 70% loneliness, there’s more people crying out to be seen on social media.
Yet being rejected and abandoned happens to many of us. Your family, friends or coworkers may reject your feelings; it happens. And for different reasons. Some examples inclide when you’re around bad friends. It’s also because a majority of your friends are nonempathtic friends, competatove or going through a bad season.
Rejection always varies except when it feels like you’re always on the receiving end of rejection. This greatly impacts your emotional state. This is because no matter where you are, you’re unsure of yourself and how you fit in.
How Pleasing people Becomes Your Identity
Experiencing constant rejection, whether perceived or real leads to groveling. That’s because you’re unable to read people’s cues and intentions. And the fear of misreading leads to pleading. Issue is constant pleasing can also result in selfishness, resentment, unforgiveness and idolisong people. All of these character qualities are a sin. This is because your focus becomes people, and not what God will do over your life.
Again people pleasing is not always positive like the example of the shy girl. I once worked with someone who used to delete my reports. I remember laughing laughing myself because I had to wake up at 3a.m. to go hide my reports I submitted. The teammate hated the idea of both of us receiving praise from major clients.
People pleasing can turn you into self idolization whereby you become the trophy. You’re the MVP, and all praise should be on you. Unfortunately humans were not created to worship each other. We were created to worship and praise God.
Since the bad outcomes outweigh the good, it’s for your own sake that you address any worshipping of address seeking people’s approval. The outcomes distort ideas of self-worth and unconditional love.
How Church Moms Changed my Perspective on Love & Acceptance
It’s only after experiencing my church moms do I believe people pleasers, rejected people or abandoned people need to be around a Godly community. I pray you meet moms like my church moms from Norman Oklahoma.
My first church mom was Celeste. I don’t think she saw herself as a mom, but she was a beacon of hope, rest and peace. Godly women like her represent Christ with what they have. I couldn’t see it then because I was chained in feelings of abandonment, but they saved me.
Yes Jesus is the only one who will save you, but Godly women like Celeste from Christians on Campus are beacons representing God. They stand in the human space for people like me. I was overwhelmed with these new labels thrown at me. Labels such asimmigrant and angry black women confused me. I didn’t know what they meant.
I wanted to be seen as more than an angry black woman. What is an angry black woman? These labels were new and overwhelming. Trying to be understood, I fell into anxiety and fear. In contrast whenever I walked into Celeste’s home I felt accepted, heard and unconditionally loved.
It was the unconditionally loved that confused me. That’s because the repeated messages was prove yourself before you’re accepted. So I really enjoyed resting in the homes of these moms. There was no pressure to prove your worth. Only the love the had for Christ they shared abundantly.
People Pleasers Need A Proverbs 31 Church mom
There were also Church moms like Debra Weise and Joy Franz who gave me hope when the world judged mindlessly. They provided study rooms. What looks like a simple kitchen table to work became the warmth I needed.
A Godly Community will help you reframe theseemroable messages. Godly communities will expose the lies in these labels, helping you to reframe your identity and self-esteem.
I wholeheartedly believe everyone deserves to experience the great warmth of a wise church mom. Especially church moms who’ve become a living Proverbs 31 woman, and are not swayed into judging you.
They have quirky jokes that only moms understand, but I loved them. Church moms, like matured Godly people, welcome you without reason. They accept your flaws and your growth.
Godly Communities will Improve Your Self-Consttuct
Best part is church moms didn’t pressure me to grow. It’s by watching them live and conduct their lives did I learn about acceptance. They were the first to teach me about hearing God’s voice. Growing Anglican, I never heard about how you can hear God’s voice. So when these church moms expressed unconditional love, it increased my yearning to seek God.
When they showed me how to seek God’s will, it gave me a new purpose. This can be your testimony once you find a Godly Community. The outcome of such unconditional love removes the need to please others.Such Godly communities help you refocus your life purpose away from competing to be seen. They adjust your identity away from worshipping others and to praising God. Watching them will help you see just how easy and amazing is this lifestyle.
Unfortunately, my worlds were clashing. I had phenomenal friends, but my ratio of Godly friends and bad friends was unbalanced. You see anyone can slap the label Christian on them, and still love Sinning, gossiping and living a life of heartbreak. Your best action here is read about a proverbs 31 woman. If the people around look far from her, start cleaning up your friends group. Your Circle of Friends influence who you become. That’s why it’s important to remove any bad friends who’ll integer with your God purpose.
Godly Friends Increase Your Ability to Forgive
However a Godly friend will show you unconditional understanding. They will show you unconditional love. Their life will centre around Christ, which removes you from idolising the world. I didn’t realise it back then, but I was stumbling because I idolised things of this world. Worst yet is I was surrounded by people who endorsed idols.
Consequently, staying torn between worlds led to many unnecessary encounters. My first fake friend only befriended me to get close to a guy friend. Even when she threw my phone in anger, I couldn’t let her go. Remove such people from your lives because they’ll make you resenent, withdraw and lonely.
Worst of all I became obsessed with wanting to be liked. Winning the African Queen pageant made it worse because of the pressure to be accepted. What I understand now is when uou choose God, you’ll find peace and joy in winning. You’ll find peace at being in the center of a big win.
You can’t fully experience acceptance if you’re still chasing after the world. That was the case for me, I kept bad friends around no matter how much heartbreak they caused. Ironic isn’t, but in some twisted way we all chase after something not good for us. And these women were the worst of them all.
It’s not until I was abandoned in Florida with 6 other girls that I saw I was living wrong. Some people would laugh at this experience screaming YOLO.I didn’t, I saw how unGodliness is bleeding my life out. I realised that there’s nothing I can do to make these people like me. However since this woman blamed me for her decision to leave, I felt guilty for inconveniencing others.
Learning to Remove Yourself from Heartbreak
People pleasers need to be around Godly community in order to avoid the heartbreaks of this world. That’s a mistake. You can still experience heartbreak in the church, but finding yourself a matured Godly person is different. They can teach you about Godly boundaries.
For instance when you live for Christ, you won’t be desperate to live for people. Christ gives you an overflowing peace that surpasses your situation. So if you feel bullied or misunderstood, Christ is the One to give you peace where there is none.
With Christ, you’re not stuck trying to figure out how to be loved. Christ loves you because you’re His. I didn’t understand it for the longest time, but being around Godly women like Celeste, Debra or Joy taught me what every church mom should show single women and men. That the world can’t give you the love you deserve.
That’s Becauss God is Love
Instead when you live in the love of Christ, you’ll fall love in a sense of freedom. Before you couldn’t see it, but seeking Jesus shows the love you needed. Instead of competing for useless things like who’s getting married first, Godly people fill their time with sound goals. The most important being God Himself.
Anyone can have a sound goal, but not everyone knows about eternal life. This kind of reassurance will separate you from the world. Knowing that Christ died for you gives you freedom and purpose. It’s phenomenal because you won’t feel the need to compete for your boss’ attention. You won’t feel the need to compete your coworkers jobs. Your self worth rests on God alone.
It also gives you freedom from guilt. People who’ve lived all kinds of lives, but don’t personally know Christ live in guilt or shame. They exhibit repressed emotions, yelling, competing and gossiping. People pleasers need Godly friends who show how it feels to live free in Christ.
Anchor Your Life Purpose in Christ
You need that one Godly friend who enjoys a minimalist life. This can look like baking or a girls weekend. It also looks like watching movies and hosting a self care night. This kind of life frees you from trying to prove yourself to others. That’s because God already paid the biggest price to have you.
He gave His only Son, so you can have eternal life. He shared His vision, truth and character in the Bible, so you should only seek His Love. Learning to also love God empowers you identity and self-worth. His love needs no reason and He will never abandon you. Surrounding yourself with a Godly community will increase feelings of acceptance.
Finally a Godly community will increase your feelings of self-worth. Finally the best life transforming advice I’ve found is praying and fasting. Learning to pray with propel your life of Breakthroughs.
And seeking counselling from a Christian mentor, ministry and friend only increases your confidence to Live a Bold life free from pleasing people. Taking all these motivators will empower you to live a Life of Breakthroughs. Breakthroughs are not a one day event, but a constant untangling of toxic beliefs like
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