By Zethu Zwane
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Let me be the first to say I struggled and even hated this topic! That’s because confronting hurt really kicked in my avoidance attachment, so just imagine me ducking and diving from people like its the Black Plague. Only issue with avoidance is you learn how to hold grudges without putting a name on it.
The irony right, but people with avoidance attachment end up learning to hold onto too much hurt as opposed to dealing with a disappointment right there and then. On the other hand, people with avoidance attachment aren’t the only ones struggling with letting go. So many of us struggle with forgetting a hurt and you’ll see how in this article.
More important if you don’t want your life stolen away by knowingly and unknowingly holding onto past pains, continue reading this article. If you also want to redeem the way you see life by acknowledging your views might be limited by these painful frameworks continue reading.
Lastly if you want to put an end to limiting ideas you gained consciously or subconsciously in high school then this article is for you. It’s time to set yourself free from how the world tell you to hold onto pain versus how God designs forgiveness as a path to empowerment.
Overcoming pain is part of your Life journey
Strugling is understatement. Im sure many of you can relate that you hardly see yourselves as the resentful type. However, when you choose to avoid difficult conversations, resentment sips in. When you say youll forgive, but not forget then you’re allowing grudges into your life.
This realization came to me when my body physically got sick from holding onto too much baggage. The overwhelming feelings not only led to anxiety and depression, they also harmed my hormones.
“Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it00ĺ is for us to understand his decisions and his ways!”
-Romans 11:33 Asking God for understanding of yourself comes with the greatest peace of all: acceptance and peace that momentous moments to you are baby steps to God
It was only after my body broke down physically, making me sick that lead me to seek Jesus among other solutions. I knew deep down the weight of my anxieties was crushing my body. The overwhelming stress I was internalizing physically stopped me from working.
Only after a few more hurdles did I finally turn to God asking Him to tell me the reason for life’s hardships. Why am I here and why do I keep getting sick?
Don’t battle Forgiveness Alone
This answer won’t come to you today. That’s because you still need time to heal. You’ve faced several moments in life that will limit your understanding of life in one area or two. This is normal and it’s part of your Life journey.
What’s not part of your life journey is staying in that belief. That’s why the most valuable decision you’ll ever make is coupling Jesus to your counseling sessions. If you’ve read any of the friendship articles, you’ll know your family and friends can contribute to unforgiveness or forgiveness. To the former, your family or friends don’t do it on purpose.
No one really seeks out to be unkind, but life happens. Why surround yourself with a constant message that cages you to pain when you can be free and empowered. This us why God is your best weapon again all feelings of unkindness and resentment.
God is the only One holding the answers to your hearts needs
God thoughts are not your thoughts. This means you’ll take a lifetime to understand God’s will. Can we also take a moment to say what a relief that is! I mean really, what a relief. It’s so tiring doing life alone. It’s also overwhelming and can lead to unnecessary burnouts. So you should comforted you’re not doing life alone.
Enjoying your journey means you’ve got to see forgiveness a life path. That’s because you’ll face different seasons where you’ll want a different God. You’ll need Jehovah Rapha. You’ll need Jehovah Jireh. Or you’ll need Jehovah Nissi in your life. Every passing moment you experience God opens new depths of faith.
Also God knew you’d face hurdles in life, so the Bible holds answers to these moments. What doesn’t hold the answer is what I saw on social media; “I will forgive, but I won’t forget.” These kinds of quotes chain you to resentment and anger.
Seperate yourself from your family or friend’s memorable messages
These kinds of talks anchor you to depression. It’s for this reason Black Couture did a campaign on “Friend that’s fake stress,” to bring awareness to toxic conversations. We wanted to emphasize the limitations of like such quotes, hence the the title of the campaign.
It’s not to judge your family or friends; it’s to bring a different voice to the one you might be hearing every day. Instead you’ll find breakthroughs when you’re anchored in Christ. Since so many people are resting on the former, it’s no wonder mental heal issues are on the rise.
Again you most valuable place of healing is continuely seeking God’s wisdom. Seek His face until you understand forgiveness from God’s will. Counselors do an incredible job at helping you understand the inower of forgiveness, but there’s no one like Jesus. Jesus is the only one who will speak to your generational chains.
Instead of being like the next person who wants to battle life alone rest on God. As opposed to picking when God’s power is enough, anchor your heart and mind into the power of Jesus. By starting with these 2 advices only then you’ll see breakthroughs in your life. Today this is what you can gain about forgiveness from my time working in wellness.
I will forgive, but I won’t forget
There was a time I joined 8 motivational groups on Facebook only to unfollow all 8 of them after a month. As opposed to joining a tribe of motivated strangers, I found floods of people posting, “I will forgive but not forget.” It went against the theme of the groups. It also defeats the purpose of empowerment. How do you motivate people while chaining them to resentment?
That’s because the floods of vengeful comments acted like a mirage for healing. People thought by agreeing never to forget, they were healing. It was like watching wolves undressing their sheep skin; absolute confusion.
I saw it this way because by comment no.20, i wondered who is the wolf and who is the sheep? Who is selling people a lie and covering it by naming the group motivation? Then again I guess that’s why I stayed and read all toxic posts for over a month. For you I want the one best. When you see such quotes, ask yourself would this quote bring empowerment into your life.
Yes some people believe empowerment rests on an us versus them mentality, but does it really? Before you sell yourself to an unforgiving lie, also try read what the Bible says. Reach out to willing pastors who’ll explain the gravity of similar quotes you see online. Whatever you do, never settle for a broken lie
Learn to move with Christ & Not your circle
Unfortunately, I had to remove myself from the groups because I had gone from believing that God is only there in the good times to seeing His grace in the bad times. Same goes for you; the only way you’ll see God, is by reading the Bible. You’ll also gain Christ if you learn how to hear His voice, and dare to live faithfully.
Many people are acting like some people I know; love a good woman who’s like a wifey, but refuse to commit and be loyal. In your case loyalty and commitment is shown through the faith you apply when it hurts. Instead of believing in the worst of people, believe in God. Jesus wants you to see Him during those painful moments. See Him as the place of refuge refuge you need rest or comfort.
It takes courage to continue believing when you feel abondoned and rejected. And I believe you’ve got it within you to start today and seperate yourself from unforgiving words. That’s why in order to forgive you need to forget. How is that possible when too many messages in your life are telling you to hold onto grudges?
Learning to break free for unforgiving conversations takes time
Think about it for a moment; when girls meet up to say men are trash, you’re accidentally reaffirming a broken message. When you believe there’s no opportunities in your area, you’re believing in a lie. In a sad way, cultures families or neighborhoods are internalizing heartbreaking situations as opposed to releasing them to Christ.
These moments reflect the never forget part of forgiveness. And these are the areas God calls you to forget in order to experience a life of freedom. No matter how loud the opposing message is; “don’t forget what they did to you,” feels push to forgive. Life is so much more powerful and empowering when you’re healing.
When you actively seek a registered counselor and a Godly community, youll experience change. They will give you strength and peace when you don’t understand. In all you do, be open to asking whether this message fits the names of God’s.
When I couldn’t understand my feelings of rejection, I started reciting the names of God. When I did it diligently, I encountered the most phenomenal feelings of security and belonging. That’s what God is; your space for healing.
What about all the suffering in the world
You might want to oppose this by asking if El Shaddai is all powerful, why do people still suffer. I asked that once, and the song “if the world bow down and say you are God,” came to mind. People worship their own idols and other gods. That means people are left to their own vices. People will seek these own desires even if means hurting you in the process.
God also says in the Bible, the earth has fallen to the devil. However, in Christ you’ll find refuge to unkind and unforgiving moments. Christ gives us countless solutions to disappointment, but far too many are still leaning on social messages. Seperate yourself from these limitations through prayer and reading the word of God.
The start of your journey will always be shakey. Even when you’ve been a Christian for many years. It takes one single bad moment to throw you off. Then not forgetting starts to make sense. You’ll want justice, but remember justice belongs to God. Read about quitting my calling taught about battling life alone as opposed to fully resting in God’s power.
You might feel anxious like God’s punishing you, but He actually wants you to go deeper in faith. Your self will; deciding to choose God is the only way you’ll see the power of God. You can’t wait to see God’s power through other poeple because that might bring you back to disappointment like what about me. Choose to anchor into Christ everlasting power , and live a life of Breakthroughs now.
Don’t limit learning about forgive to your age or position in life
Forgiveness comes in all shapes and sizes. That means the more you encounter an unkind moment, the more you’re practicing forgiveness and love. It’s not that God’s bored and wants to hurt you. Remember that earth is broken, and Christ is the solution you need to that limitation.
Jesus says the world is corrupt, and the devil is also constantly using our pains to hurt others. As a result the truths in the Bible is the answer to dealing with sensitive areas in your life. Inevitably, your age do
God knows He will gain you through practical examples before tracing you back to what the Bible says. However when up to 87% of people grow up in unstable homes; absent fathers or neglectful mothers, how do you see God differently? This is why forgiveness and learning about God is a life long journey.
During your most tired season, you’ll need to go back to the basics. Reciting the basics of who God is part of your forgiveness. This will help you overcome overwhelming seasons when it’s harder to heal. This is especially true when you’re also tired of Forgiving people.
Seeking God even when you feel like you know what’s best
These are some of the questions I asked myself once I realized His peace and healing over my life. You’ll find yourself doing the same thing, so your best solution is writing down the names of God. Examples like God is Holy love. In the Bible holy is Supreme, and above all heavenlies and kingdom in heaven and on earth.
Comfort yourself with the names of God, in order to grow in the authority God gives you. Increasing your ability to Forgive, allows you to bear with people who malicious or unkind. This will also help you understand and love people who are outcasts in their homes and community.
“Traumatic experiences can initiate strong emotions and physical reactions that can persist long after the event.”
-The National Child Traumatic Stress Network
Everyone has a story to tell; they just don’t know how to unpack their pains like you will. Reason being anxiety, depression and feelings of rejection are one of the hardest mental health issues to explain to anyone. Especially when youre told you can’t put a finger to it. This is evident in cultures where mental health is a taboo.
Be grateful that society doesn’t always have the answers
Don’t beleive that the Pharisees were the only ones who had a problem with Jesus healing people with illnesses. Today average people are still shunning mental health.
Unfortunately shunning mental health problems doesn’t solve unforgiveness. Worst still is when you express resentment, you’re automatically a menace to society. So which one is it? Must you forgive and forget, or should you forgive, but remember? Now I want to unpack mental illnesses by bringing it to the light from the perspective of emotional traumas.
Anxiety is communicated differently and this article explores exactly how trauma leads to lack of forgiveness and why your healing is so important to God Let’s see why God cares about our hurts, and how exactly our hurts are connected to forgiveness.
I hope this annotation of how trauma, mental health and forgiveness is tied to leading you to God the way it lead me to Him.
If not today, I still hope it opens your eyes to patterns we do, patterns we have accepted in society that are actually hurtful, and patterns you can empower yourself to change.
***
A Tale about Martha
A staff member was upset with the boss ordering him around and then yelled; “Just wait till you have kids, I’l boss them around like you boss me around,” but how many managers also do that? How many of your coworkers, how many times do you?
Martha grew up in a middle class home with two parents, successful parents at that. She went to a great school and from what you could see about Martha has it all. At the same time, Martha also grew up in a home where she saw anger communicated as love.
Whenever a child is beaten or yelled at with no reason it results in trauma overtime. There was no foundation rule at home placed such as “in this house this is how to tidy up rooms.” There was also no peaceful step by step of when Martha should know how to tidy up her room.
Instead there was a lot of yelling; “You’re disgusting! Who tidies a room like this!” To yelling about how the dishes were washed and how her dress looks on her.
The one parent often screamed asking Martha does she consider her parents. Martha never understood what is considering others.
Martha was also confused because she didn’t buy her dress, mommy bought it. At the same time Martha was learning considering other is yelling, screaming rage. Martha’s was only 5.
Martha doesn’t know her heart picks it all. The good and the bad merge. Martha also has siblings where they played harshly “together but said you still need me right? You need me.” Where did the children learn this? Who were the babies watching?
Martha at age 5 is still wondering what is messy? This is a foreign word. It is an angry word she wants to control and make her parent happy again.
Now fast forward to when Martha is older. Martha doesn’t know how to communicate anger. Martha resents her upbringing, always talks about how she was ignored, rejected, cast out; an orphan in her own home.
Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.”
-Source quote from Good Reads, Author Peter Levine
She is aware of her anger but believes people are the reason for her anger. For instance Martha goes to a restaurant with her friends.
She is watching her friend eat fast. Her friend has always been a fast eater, yet today Martha is annoyed. She has had it with these rude table manners, so Martha lashes at her friend.
No Martha believes she giving her friend loving advice unlike other people or her family. This is best advice; “I mean are you going to eat in front of your husband like that?” Martha says convincingly.
Martha can’t see her friend has a family that has always said to her “ you would be more beautiful if you just lost weight,” so maybe eating is a shame to her friend.
Her friend deals with this by eating fast to finish this moment of shame; eating in public reminds her that she is not beautiful.
Her friend however, sees a pattern in Martha. Martha always confidently lashes out, so maybe Martha is right because Martha is confident.
However ask yourself did Martha introduce herself to her friend as “Hey when you’re my friend you need to eat slow, dress like this and be in control of your life because we’re in high school/work/we’re adults.”
In a lot of ways Martha is continuing the cycle of home; yelling at people because of a perceived idea they should know.
Like when her parent yelled at 5-year old Martha at 5 should have known how to clean her room or sit like a lady.
Yet Martha has a friend who didn’t know about personal boundaries because sometimes feelings of shame come with ideas of “you don’t deserve boundaries.”
Both Martha, Martha’s parents, Martha’s siblings and Martha’s friends have suffered trauma, and now all parties reflect that emotional burden in different ways.
There is a whole spectrum on trauma, but we can’t deny trauma is the most overlooked mental illness in society because trauma is also a social taboo; you can’t talk about it.
Yet it’s a taboo with such complex emotions trying to hide and control those hurtful moments.
As a 10 year old I Googled how to become heartless, thinking it would protect my heart from hurt. I didn’t think people would call me heartless.
Now going back to Martha. There are 2 possibilities here. At some point when Martha was 5 years old she realized she needed to control things.
Take hold of her universe to protect herself emotionally from her parents. She’s 5 at the time, so Martha doesn’t realise when she screams mine!
At kids playing with her toys, it’s controlling the one thing her parents couldn’t control or didn’t know.
***
Similar Traumas Have Different Masks
However, now as Martha is an adult she still doesn’t know other adults also scream mine with a different face. This face may be a silent scream trying to hide. Yet in reality this scream is called anxiety, actual silence or depression. Others cry out by becoming becoming career obsessed. Chasing positions is a way of correcting the times you were rejected. That’s because the top dogs hold all the power.
Now as a manager who’s been hurt and betrayed several times, Martha is now blind to the hardest working employees because when things get tough, “they are ruining what she controls,” so she becomes suspicious and micro manages the whole staff.
Just note how trauma evolves over time and becomes muddied by life’s stressors and other negative emotions. At this point if the individual doesn’t know the difference between perceived stress and actual stress, Martha might go on for a long time believing people are always the reason for her hurt.
God is not a man, so he does not lie.He is not human, so he does not change his min Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried it through?
Numbers 23:19
Practice forgiveness makes healing powerful
This is a very powerful moment to note because after going through my healing I was at a convenient store at the gas station and witnessed how hurt can join the cycle of hurting.
Sometimes waiting on the day, suffocating those feelings creates an avalanche effect where everyone is your enemy.
Everyone is that boss, that parent, that sibling, that community member, that cashier, that dog that put you down. You may never manage that boss’s life, but as long as you feel less than, anyone who threatens your power, you’ll also hammer down.
Normalizing Trauma in Relationships
Then hammering on coworkers or putting coworkers down won’t replace feelings of self-worth. The numbing, not knowing your yourself is the reason for some blocks in life.
And abuse can be anything that made you feel deserted as a child, adult or teenager. Those are complex moments that also dirty the image of God. When do you pray when you have been labeled less than or had an extensional moment as a toddler? How does a teenager overcome rejection and loneliness or anxiety? How does the 65 year old undo trauma. When traumas become taboos.
The Redeemer will come to Jerusalem
-Isiah 59:20 as to say don’t allow yourself to be part of “Spill the the tea culture. Tell someone they worthy today while seeking your healing
to buy back those in Israel
who have turned from their sins,”[a]
says the Lord.
Removing God from your life is almost inevitable because when did your community or the church teach you to pray to God when your parents or community let you down. Sometimes the overgeneralizing of the bible lead to missed moments of explaining abuse.
Or you never even asked the church. The escape, the control, the anxiety became an avalanche of copying mechanisms, so you carry this guilt that there’s no going back. Even that is wrong. If God can call Saul who was killing Christians, He will heal you no matter where you are in life.
Your healing is worth of life of breakthroughs
To God you are the most important person. He wants to restore what was stolen during your pain. So His love only shows you how to love. His peace only shows you how to accept that difficulty. This is your is a growth opportunity and a pathway to breakthroughs.
It’s just a matter of you having peace. Don’t believe the world that says forgive but dont forget. Look at Jesus blood as the most powerful symbol of forgiveness
No, what about “I want t have such inner peace in knowing my future that I’m good?” That is the kind of peace bringing only confidence in knowing why you get up every morning. Starting with I can and I will is the door to healing, forgiveness and self improvement. Take this opportunity to seek Christ in your spaces of healing and live a life of Breakthroughs today
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